Monday, March 2, 2009

The Tudors Grump Grump

I've been watching The Tudors on DVD and so far it's been pretty awesome. Watching people get boiled alive is entertaining, especially when it's a character you haven't become attached to. However, I'm now getting to the part when Henry starts to become an ass to Anne Boleyn. I like Anne Boleyn. Now I can't watch the rest because you know she's going to die. Not only does it take the suspense out of the story but it makes watching it painful because you know what's coming.
You know what would make for a surprise ending? Don't kill Anne Boleyn! I'm going to write the story of King Penry and Anne Poleyn. Anne has a boy after Elizabeth so Penry is super happy and never kills Anne. Later Penry dies, the boy dies soon after so we can still end up with Queen Elizabeth. Someone tell me why this hasn't been made into a movie yet?

Dr. Bear Again Grump Grump

Yesterday I called Dr. Bear's office for an appointment I needed urgently (I won't get into the details...your welcome).  Yes they are open on Sundays, bears have atypical schedules.  Anyway, he said that his last appointment was just booked minutes earlier!  And guess who it was...

Mitchell! Again stealing my doctor. He doesn't even care, look at him just laughing. And I was just talking to him about making a doctors appointment a little while before I called. Now I know not to talk about my doctors with DOCTOR STEALERS!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Prudence and Polyamory Grump Grump

Slate as a weekly article called Dear Prudence where people write in with questions. They usually receive a pretty crappy answer so I don't think they really expect to get anything meaningful in return. However, I am positive that they don't write in expecting to be judged, disrespected, mocked and insulted. 
A woman in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple wrote in asking for advice about dealing with the couples teenage children. Why she would choose this column to write into about sex is beyond me, this Prudence doesn't come across as the most knowledgeable in this area. She is in a loving relationship with two people who give their children all the love and support they need. She is also worried enough about these children and their feelings to write in to this bozo. I'd say that this is someone to be respected and given the best answer possible to an interesting question.
Of course this isn't what happens. What Prudence writes is incredibly sarcastic and hateful. There is no way she would have written this if the children were rebelling against a newly gay parent for example. The letter insinuates that instead of being in a relationship these people are all just in it for crazy sex.
They sound like complete downers who don't even understand the stimulating couplings and triplings that could take place when they have their friends sleep over...
It's too bad these rotten kids don't understand that their parents' need to fulfill their sexual appetites takes precedence over providing them a stable home.
Nowhere in the letter does it mention sex but of course thats all that happens in a polyamorous relationship.  No love or support or anything that goes on in a "normal" relationship.  She has no reason to think these people are having crazy loud sex while the children are home.  She also has no reason to think that these people put their sex lives over their childrens needs.  They are no more likely to do this than ordinary married couples.  The worst part:
before the friends' parents hear about this, and all of you end up explaining polyamory to social services
So now having an adult relationship makes you an unfit parent?  I guarantee Prudence has never met anyone in a polyamorous relationship or she wouldn't be making these hateful remarks.  This is the same way people responded to gay or interracial relationships in the past.  This woman should be fired for these hateful and discriminatory statements.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dr. Bear Grump Grump

Mitch went behind my back to my special doctor, Dr. Bear!!!  Dr. Bear is in very high demand and now he doesn't have another opening until June.  June!  

"Green" Funerals Grump Grump

Slate has a craptastic column called The Green Lantern telling us all the ways we can be "greener".  Now I'll grump about the green movement later, right now I'm going to grump about the lastest article.  It starts with a question from what I have to assume is a fake reader, otherwise I have just lost all hope with humanity.  The question is:  
I try to be as eco-conscious as possible when it comes to managing my household waste. But lately I've been worrying about what to do when become waste. What's the greenest thing I can do with my remains when I shuffle off this mortal coil?
Seriously?  This is what you're worried about?  I mean, planning ahead for your funeral is great, it saves money and saves your family a lot of problems during a horrible time.  But this isn't being thoughtful.  This is trying to assuage your liberal guilt while putting all the responsibilities on those you leave behind.  Because that's exactly what they need.  
So they go on to decide whether cremation or a traditional burial is better for the environment, and really have some aweosme suggestions.  
With fewer variables to deal with, a cremation also makes it much easier for you—and your family—to quantify and redress its impacts. You can buy carbon offsets, for example, to make up for the equipment operation.
Great suggestion.  Because funerals aren't expensive enough, lets add some completely unneccesary costs to it.  Plus, carbon offsets are bullshit anyway.  Might as well have yourself buried with all of your money.  Or, you know, leave it to your familly and loved ones?  
Also, you can't just bury yourself because after death you become even worse for the environment because you start leaking out methane!  Jeez, how can you live with yourself...
In protest of this idiocy I'm having everyone at my funeral spray multiple bottles of hairspray into the air, hopefully offsetting all of those silly carbon offsets these people are buying.  

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bulldog Ants Grump Grump

I was watching the Discovery Channel at the deli and there was a program on about ants.  Not just any ants, but Bulldog ants.  Not only did they steal my name but they're the deadliest animal in Australia!  I am very against both murder and Australia (come on, Kangaroos?).  
But Bulldog, aren't these ants millions of years old?  They couldn't have stole your name if they came before you. 
Yes, they are 100 million years old.  But I am 15 billion years old.  That's right, older than the universe.  So anything named Bulldog stole my name since I came first.  
Not to mention Bulldog ants are completely primitive.  Unlike Carpenter ants that communicate with other ants via chemicals, Bulldog ants just go around stabbing other ants before they can summon aid.  That's not how those bearing the Bulldog name should act.  Bulldogs use their intellect and cunning to get what they want, not sheer force and poison.  Well maybe poison, but only by sneakily putting it into enemies food without them knowing.  That's the classy way to do it.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Jamie Grump Grump

Last night was most definitely the best episode of Top Chef yet.  Why?  Because stupid Jamie "I deserve to win every challenge more than everyone else" Lesbian was kicked off.  That was great.  What I'm grumpy about is that people think she deserved to stay.  Seriously?  She couldn't cook celery!  I'm sorry, but if you can't cook celery you deserve to go home.  If no one can actually eat your food you deserve to go home.  Believe me I know, I was there.
It was bad, and that's coming from me and I ocassionally lick my bum.  We judges are told over and over that we're only judging the dish in front of us.  Plus, her other stuff wasn't so great. Wow, lots of scallops and corn soup, good for you.  This isn't Top Scallop!  Besides, this way crazy eyes Carla gets a chance to get in the finals.  
So go home to California and enjoy honoring the ingredients.  

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Fabric Grump Grump

I was fabric shopping online to make myself a new coat since someone ate my old one. I found pretty awesome fabric with mustaches on it and got pretty excited.
It was listed as $9, which I thought was pretty expensive for quilting cotton, which they sell for like $3 at Jo-Anns. It is mustaches, I thought, maybe it's worth it. But no. The $9 was for a "fat quarter" not a yard. For a piece of fabric 18" by 21". It's $36 for a yard. You can get fancy silk from Mood for that price.
But Grumpdog, wouldn't a fat quarter be enough fabric for a coat for you? Fine, yes it would. But if you're going to make a coat, you then need to make the matching pants, gloves, hat. That takes fabric.
It's all too bad since it would have looked great with my new mustache.

Monday, January 26, 2009

SAG awards grump grump

I attended the Screen Actors Guild Awards last night, just like every year. I'm a very important member of the screen actors guild, most people don't remember but I've been in some pretty impressive commercials.
Notice in the background. Yeah, that's right, it's Crystal. Couldn't get in to walk the red carpet. Probably had to watch the show from the press room. That's what you get for eating the cat grass. I would have given you my extra ticket since Snowwhite is off promoting Paul Blart.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Storm Troopers Grump Grump


So Mitch went to Arisia this weekend, and not only did he not invite me but he took my Jedi costume! He claimed that it fit him better, without realizing that it was made for a bulldog - of course it looks like crap. Fit better my bum. Then to add insult to injury he took a picture of him with a storm trooper.

Yeah, I know I look great. I dare someone to say it doesn't fit.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cat Grass Grump Grump

Mitch and Kristen got chia pet grass for Christmas that was clearly intended for all of the animals in the house. But did it go to all the animals? No, the stupid cat Crystal ate it all. She said that it was called cat grass and it was clearly only for cats. So not true. That's just the technical scientific name for it, it's intended for all small animals. Even more for bulldogs.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Vaccinations grump grump

I have a quick message to the parents in the New Jersey Coalition for Vaccination Choice from this article.
You do have a choice in the whether or not you vaccinate your own kids, just don't send them to school.  This way they might actually believe you when you tell them you saved them from getting autism.  The lack of education won't harm them as much as the crippiling preventable diseases and an early death will!  Enjoy the smallpox.

I'm Grumpier than normal.

Socks grump grump

Some people (cough cough Mitch) thought that in my post complaining about the person who currently has the grumpdog.blogspot blog I wrote that he blogged about socks instead of stocks.  How crazy does he think I am?  An entire blog devoted to socks would be amazing.  I myself am a huge fan of socks.

To illustrate just how useful a blog devoted to socks will be I give you these:

Cat socks!  Just imagine the versatility.  First they keep your feet warm.  Second you can use them assuage your cat "friends".  Imagine, oh yes kitty, we're just like you.  Come over and play, we'll let you knead on our heads.  That's when you pounce!  They'll never see it coming.  All of this just from socks.

Look how much you just learned from only one entry about socks.  Now just imagine what would happen if there were an entire blog!

Skin Grump Grump

It seems like just a few years ago I was a teen grumpdog, running around not worrying about skin elasticity, and now this.

That's all skin. Believe me I'm not fat. All I eat is pudding. Low - fat pudding. I pinched the skin, it stayed like that for 22 hours! That's bullshit, especially after paying all that money for the tummy tuck last year.
Grump grump grump. It's not fair that cats have all that fur to cover up their skin problems. Believe me, they have problems. You do not want to see a shaved Crystal. I think I'm now in the market for a fur coat.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Grumpdog Grump Grump

When I started this blog obviously I tried Of course it was taken already. In the most annoying way. Go to the blog. It's 5 stupid posts about stocks. No one wants to read about stocks from 2005. First of all it's too depressing. Second of all I'm so much better it's not even funny. Delete your blog grumpdog, no one likes you!

Cats Grump Grump

I was taking my mid evening nap a few hours ago when I was woken up by something pressing on my head. Turned out to be Crystal, the stupid cat that lives with me. Too bad she can't be more like my girlfriend. She's a cat too but you don't see her walking all over people or pressing on their heads when they're just trying to nap. She just lays down next to you and takes a nap too. She'll even do tricks if she's in the mood. When's the last time Crystal did a trick?