Slate has a craptastic column called The Green Lantern telling us all the ways we can be "greener". Now I'll grump about the green movement later, right now I'm going to grump about the lastest article. It starts with a question from what I have to assume is a fake reader, otherwise I have just lost all hope with humanity. The question is:
I try to be as eco-conscious as possible when it comes to managing my household waste. But lately I've been worrying about what to do when I become waste. What's the greenest thing I can do with my remains when I shuffle off this mortal coil?
Seriously? This is what you're worried about? I mean, planning ahead for your funeral is great, it saves money and saves your family a lot of problems during a horrible time. But this isn't being thoughtful. This is trying to assuage your liberal guilt while putting all the responsibilities on those you leave behind. Because that's exactly what they need.
So they go on to decide whether cremation or a traditional burial is better for the environment, and really have some aweosme suggestions.
With fewer variables to deal with, a cremation also makes it much easier for you—and your family—to quantify and redress its impacts. You can buy carbon offsets, for example, to make up for the equipment operation.
Great suggestion. Because funerals aren't expensive enough, lets add some completely unneccesary costs to it. Plus, carbon offsets are bullshit anyway. Might as well have yourself buried with all of your money. Or, you know, leave it to your familly and loved ones?
Also, you can't just bury yourself because after death you become even worse for the environment because you start leaking out methane! Jeez, how can you live with yourself...
In protest of this idiocy I'm having everyone at my funeral spray multiple bottles of hairspray into the air, hopefully offsetting all of those silly carbon offsets these people are buying.