The Tudors Grump Grump

I've been watching The Tudors on DVD and so far it's been pretty awesome. Watching people get boiled alive is entertaining, especially when it's a character you haven't become attached to. However, I'm now getting to the part when Henry starts to become an ass to Anne Boleyn. I like Anne Boleyn. Now I can't watch the rest because you know she's going to die. Not only does it take the suspense out of the story but it makes watching it painful because you know what's coming.
You know what would make for a surprise ending? Don't kill Anne Boleyn! I'm going to write the story of King Penry and Anne Poleyn. Anne has a boy after Elizabeth so Penry is super happy and never kills Anne. Later Penry dies, the boy dies soon after so we can still end up with Queen Elizabeth. Someone tell me why this hasn't been made into a movie yet?

Dr. Bear Again Grump Grump

Yesterday I called Dr. Bear's office for an appointment I needed urgently (I won't get into the details...your welcome).  Yes they are open on Sundays, bears have atypical schedules.  Anyway, he said that his last appointment was just booked minutes earlier!  And guess who it was...

Mitchell! Again stealing my doctor. He doesn't even care, look at him just laughing. And I was just talking to him about making a doctors appointment a little while before I called. Now I know not to talk about my doctors with DOCTOR STEALERS!

Prudence and Polyamory Grump Grump

Slate as a weekly article called Dear Prudence where people write in with questions. They usually receive a pretty crappy answer so I don't think they really expect to get anything meaningful in return. However, I am positive that they don't write in expecting to be judged, disrespected, mocked and insulted. 

A woman in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple wrote in asking for advice about dealing with the couples teenage children. Why she would choose this column to write into about sex is beyond me, this Prudence doesn't come across as the most knowledgeable in this area. She is in a loving relationship with two people who give their children all the love and support they need. She is also worried enough about these children and their feelings to write in to this bozo. I'd say that this is someone to be respected and given the best answer possible to an interesting question.
Of course this isn't what happens. What Prudence writes is incredibly sarcastic and hateful. There is no way she would have written this if the children were rebelling against a newly gay parent for example. The letter insinuates that instead of being in a relationship these people are all just in it for crazy sex.
They sound like complete downers who don't even understand the stimulating couplings and triplings that could take place when they have their friends sleep over...

It's too bad these rotten kids don't understand that their parents' need to fulfill their sexual appetites takes precedence over providing them a stable home.

Nowhere in the letter does it mention sex but of course thats all that happens in a polyamorous relationship.  No love or support or anything that goes on in a "normal" relationship.  She has no reason to think these people are having crazy loud sex while the children are home.  She also has no reason to think that these people put their sex lives over their childrens needs.  They are no more likely to do this than ordinary married couples.  The worst part:

before the friends' parents hear about this, and all of you end up explaining polyamory to social services

So now having an adult relationship makes you an unfit parent?  I guarantee Prudence has never met anyone in a polyamorous relationship or she wouldn't be making these hateful remarks.  This is the same way people responded to gay or interracial relationships in the past.  This woman should be fired for these hateful and discriminatory statements.

Dr. Bear Grump Grump

Mitch went behind my back to my special doctor, Dr. Bear!!!  Dr. Bear is in very high demand and now he doesn't have another opening until June.  June!  

"Green" Funerals Grump Grump

Slate has a craptastic column called The Green Lantern telling us all the ways we can be "greener".  Now I'll grump about the green movement later, right now I'm going to grump about the lastest article.  It starts with a question from what I have to assume is a fake reader, otherwise I have just lost all hope with humanity.  The question is:  

I try to be as eco-conscious as possible when it comes to managing my household waste. But lately I've been worrying about what to do when I become waste. What's the greenest thing I can do with my remains when I shuffle off this mortal coil?

Seriously?  This is what you're worried about?  I mean, planning ahead for your funeral is great, it saves money and saves your family a lot of problems during a horrible time.  But this isn't being thoughtful.  This is trying to assuage your liberal guilt while putting all the responsibilities on those you leave behind.  Because that's exactly what they need.  

So they go on to decide whether cremation or a traditional burial is better for the environment, and really have some aweosme suggestions.  

With fewer variables to deal with, a cremation also makes it much easier for you—and your family—to quantify and redress its impacts. You can buy carbon offsets, for example, to make up for the equipment operation.

Great suggestion.  Because funerals aren't expensive enough, lets add some completely unneccesary costs to it.  Plus, carbon offsets are bullshit anyway.  Might as well have yourself buried with all of your money.  Or, you know, leave it to your familly and loved ones?  

Also, you can't just bury yourself because after death you become even worse for the environment because you start leaking out methane!  Jeez, how can you live with yourself...

In protest of this idiocy I'm having everyone at my funeral spray multiple bottles of hairspray into the air, hopefully offsetting all of those silly carbon offsets these people are buying.  

Bulldog Ants Grump Grump

I was watching the Discovery Channel at the deli and there was a program on about ants.  Not just any ants, but Bulldog ants.  Not only did they steal my name but they're the deadliest animal in Australia!  I am very against both murder and Australia (come on, Kangaroos?).  

But Bulldog, aren't these ants millions of years old?  They couldn't have stole your name if they came before you. 

Yes, they are 100 million years old.  But I am 15 billion years old.  That's right, older than the universe.  So anything named Bulldog stole my name since I came first.  

Not to mention Bulldog ants are completely primitive.  Unlike Carpenter ants that communicate with other ants via chemicals, Bulldog ants just go around stabbing other ants before they can summon aid.  That's not how those bearing the Bulldog name should act.  Bulldogs use their intellect and cunning to get what they want, not sheer force and poison.  Well maybe poison, but only by sneakily putting it into enemies food without them knowing.  That's the classy way to do it.

Jamie Grump Grump

Last night was most definitely the best episode of Top Chef yet.  Why?  Because stupid Jamie "I deserve to win every challenge more than everyone else" Lesbian was kicked off.  That was great.  What I'm grumpy about is that people think she deserved to stay.  Seriously?  She couldn't cook celery!  I'm sorry, but if you can't cook celery you deserve to go home.  If no one can actually eat your food you deserve to go home.  Believe me I know, I was there.

It was bad, and that's coming from me and I ocassionally lick my bum.  We judges are told over and over that we're only judging the dish in front of us.  Plus, her other stuff wasn't so great. Wow, lots of scallops and corn soup, good for you.  This isn't Top Scallop!  Besides, this way crazy eyes Carla gets a chance to get in the finals.  

So go home to California and enjoy honoring the ingredients.